Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Trying to stay sober and clean

From an e-mail to my sponsor, Ed, June 14, 1983.

The people here are very accomodating at my new job. It's quiet here, though. A little strange when you don't know anyone. I'm worried about me lately. I got stoned on Sunday and haven't
been to any meetings lately. While I was high I thought about wine! Boy am I crazy. I felt very depressed Sunday. So depressed over nothing. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so low. I had to do something, and since I knew there was pot in the house and I had to smoke it. I feel guilty and ashamed now. I didn't want to tell you this but I felt I should tell my best friend who would understand.

When I felt depressed, it was such a rotten feeling that I had to do something to get out of it. All I could think about was drugs. I didn't go to a meeting because my family was planning on me spending Sunday afternoon with them. I know that it's fucked up. I feel like I'm going backwards. I know pot does nothing more for me than make me want to smoke and drink more and more.

Such a crazy illness, Ed. Now I'm avoiding meetings. I was going to go yesterday at noon, but found something else to do. I was going to do today, but when I realized it was alread 12:10, I rationalized that it wouldn't be worth the effort to walk down there.

Why would my HP want to help me when I don't even want to help myself??

I hope to shake this negative feeling. I'm sober today, and that's what matters.


Anonymous said...

When I came into A.A. I didn't know how to live or have real friends.
By getting together with a great group of guys on the bozo bus, my life totally changed. I learned to be able to trust people and have faith in myself.
When I came into the program I didn't want to live and the days were endless with misery. Now there isn't enough time in the day to do the things I want to do.
My whole outlook and attitude have changed. I am not the same person that came into A.A. All because people I met life Matt and Jack never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. And for that I am forever grateful. I am Living a Dream and am one of the Lucky Ones!

Living a Dream in Southern California! God Bless!

Colette said...

Steve, great message! We are indeed the lucky ones!